I am the I AM that I am

For a couple years now I have been on this wild and crazy journey of spiritual and self awakening. I make that distinction because it seems to be part of the process. I never really knew who I was before, or at least, didn’t like who I was before. But then I started this awakening and now I am this magnificent being of light having this wild and crazy human experience, and I am loving it!

It’s not a wild ride or crazy in an “out in the world” adventuresome kind of thing. But an inner journey of mind and heart and soul. And it has led me on some very merry, and some not so merry, wild goose chases.

But what I have realized is that when you get to a certain point in the process of becoming “the I AM that I Am,” a funny thing happens. Nothing. Nothing happens. And the reason, in my humble opinion, is that after clearing all…and I mean ALL, the social programming out, you become a blank slate. Literally Nothing. A pure soul in an adult body.

When I was beginning, and even as recently as yesterday (I move around fast), I thought that when I was fully awake (HA!) I would be joyful, that joy was my natural state. So that when all the programming was gone, I would uncover this amazing state of joy and bliss.

Well, it didn’t happen. Peace, yes, joy, no.

The first clue came when I had a clearing with a very gifted spiritual intuitive. His second sight is on 24/7. He is always connected and working with higher beings on a variety of projects. He had just learned how to do The Bars, by Access Consciousness. (This is an energetic healing modality, in case you are unfamiliar with this kind of thing.) This was the next practical tool he needed in his “toolbox”.

So, we are doing this clearing method, and my guides are telling him what else to do. I can feel them pulling energy globs…blocks? Not sure what to call them, but they are pulling them out of my body field and I can feel this. I was occasionally kicking and screaming, this was so intense.

But to shorten this story, when we were done, I had no sense of self. I was hollow. I felt no attachment to my name or gender, my identity in any way. I wasn’t even sure I could drive myself home! Thankfully it was late at night so traffic was light. But there was nothing. No emotional feelings at all.

I was “returned to Source”. I was clear of my human “truth” and reflecting my highest truth. I was pure potential.

Now, I am not sure this is true for everyone. It is true for me. Why it is this way is unclear. I suspect that in the process of clearing everything out, we also cleared the belief of Divine bliss. Or perhaps the strong drive I have to DO is interfering….You may have heard the expression: “We are human BE-ings, not human DO-ings.” Well, I suspect I am a spiritual DO-ing. Not a spiritual Being.

And so that guides me to the process of choice. When I am “at peace” I have no drive or desire to do anything. Nothing at all. In fact I get resentful having to do ordinary things like house work or cooking. I’m a mom, after all! I have responsibilities. But I am the spiritual DO-ing, too.

Some days, I “pick up” other peoples opinions of how I should be, or how “it” should be. And I always end up miserable. But a funny thing happens. When I let it all go, and choose for myself how I want to be, when I choose my “I AM” statement, I feel empowered and energized and ready to go! This has to mean something. I suspect I am to the stage of “designing” my own incarnation. Or something like that.


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